You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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