he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
