I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
