Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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