I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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