I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
