I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize