She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
