So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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