Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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