mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
