I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
