Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
