i just wanna soil my oats bro
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
