The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
