I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
