Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Couch. On fire.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
