I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
