will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
