Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
