I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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