I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
