So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
