At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
