She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
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just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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