I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
