He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
