I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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