Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
