He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.