i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
