So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
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Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.