is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
