It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
