i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
