I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
