it hurts more in the daytime
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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