did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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