Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
