So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
