Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
