I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
