I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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