ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It's Friday. Sex?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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