the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
