I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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