I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
