Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
