Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
