wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
