Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"