hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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