I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
