i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
