I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
