Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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