My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
