I am midnight drunk by noon
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
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Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
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I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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