Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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