Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
