You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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