We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
