that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
