god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
